Why buy a monkey?

Take Jon's advice. Buy a monkey and through some strange and somewhat disorienting connection you will also be supporting my blog. Plus you'll have a monkey to do your bidding.

The first time you had your shoes taken off - how surprised were you to see that you still had toes?

Mildly. Not as surprised as the first time I took my pants off.

If you were a cannibal, what would you wear to dinner?

If I were a cannibal, the correct question would be who I would wear to dinner. And the correct answer to that correct question would be M. Night Shyamalan. The name of the movie would be "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" and the surprise ending would be that my leather jacket is actually the writer/director of "The Sixth Sense" and he's actually dead! I'd buy stock in that film.

If you were a wrestler, what would be your finishing move?

The Tell-tale heart tickler...Eat your heart out Edgar Allen Poe-poe. Also, the Hulk Hogan isn't real.

You get to ride the big roller coaster three times in a row. What will keep your dad from taking a bite out of your candy apple?

What candied apple? Is there something you need to tell me computer but you're afraid that if you do, someone might hurt you? Blink twice if you're in danger. Blink once if my dad really does have a candied apple...

If mud is dirt plus water, what is clay?

Clay is playdough plus love. Plus 14 ounces of pure adrenaline. Go ahead, put it in the oven. See what happens.

The love potion you made tastes terrible. How will you drink it?

I'll do what I do every time something tastes bad. Coat my mouth with burning hot wax. This is only hypothetical, of course, because I don't need this so-called love potion or any other such thing ever. So don't ask.

Paper or briefs?

Intriguing question, random sentence generator. But the better question would be whether it's even possible to participate in a brief without any paper? I think not. Therefore, give me one sheet of paper and a good brief about the current state of our nation and call it good.

My First Profile Question & Answer

Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies. How will you maintain your secret identity?

• The best defense against dandelion smell is poopy-pants. Therefore, my civilian disguise would be a ninety-two year old geriatric.

The Purpose of a BLOG using only the letter A, as in Apple

Antimatter:

• Attract
• Align
• Assign
• Acclimate
• Attack
• Asnack
• Airplane
  

The Purpose of a BLOG using only the letter I, as in Iguana

Investigate:

• Inspire
• Invite
• Incite
• Illustrate
• Illuminate
• Irritate
• Intoxicate
• Intice
• Iridescent
• Istanbul
  

The Purpose of a BLOG using only the letter E, as in Electic Eel

Enjoy:

• Educate
• Entertain
• Excite
• Electrify
• Engage
• Entice
• Empty
• Entrails
• Enigma
  

Latin words you won't understand

Lorem ipsum vim ut utroque mandamus intellegebat, ut eam omittam ancillae sadipscing, per et eius soluta veritus.